A Hope Center - I Had an Abortion

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Dealing with a Past Abortion
Your abortion experience may be fairly recent, or it may have occurred more than 15 years ago, but regardless of your age and circumstances, A Hope Center is a safe and caring place to get help. Many women and men in this situation feel relieved to discover someone who understands their experience and the emotional consequences they may be enduring. They know they will not be judged and that everything shared with peer consultants at the center is strictly confidential to the extent allowed by the law.

Dealing with uncomfortable feelings after an abortion can be very difficult, since people often feel alone in the process. Friends or family may tell you:

“Just get over it.”
“It wasn't that big of a deal”
“Don’t worry, time will heal.”
Or even,
“It was your choice, so why are you upset about it now?”

These responses are discouraging to someone in pain. As a result, women and men often keep their emotions inside and never talk about them at all.

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Post Abortion Stress (PAS)
Abortion is the loss of a pregnancy, but women and men with an abortion in their past often do not feel they have permission to grieve that loss. Buried grief may result in depression, anxiety, and re-experiencing the trauma. These reactions taken together with other adverse emotional reactions are sometimes referred to as Post Abortion Stress. A Hope Center peer consultants offer hope and healing to hurting people through individual and group support.

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Indications of PAS
Although many women experience a feeling of relief immediately following an abortion experience, that feeling is sometimes replaced with more destructive emotions. Check the indications of PAS you have experienced since your abortion procedure:

• Denial, rationalization, and/or numbness
• Dwelling on the aborted child: what he/she may have looked like, his/her age, and gender
• Difficulty dealing with emotions surrounding the birth of children born after the abortion event: having a difficult time bonding with those children or being overprotective of them
• Avoiding or having heightened emotions at reminders of pregnant women or babies: baby showers, maternity or baby departments, pictures of fetal development, etc.
• Self-destructive behavior: increased promiscuity, “partying” more, workaholic behavior, or eating disorders
• Anniversary reactions: increased negative emotions around the time the baby would have been born or when the abortion occurred
• Disrupted relationships: with the father of the baby, family, or friends associated with the abortion decision
• Guilt, shame, anxiety, and depression
• Flashbacks and/or nightmares
• Suicidal thoughts or actions

The more signs you have, the greater the likelihood you may benefit from peer support at A Hope Center. Serious emotional disturbance, however, should be addressed by a professional counselor. Please call Judi or Lisa at 422-3544 for an explanation of our program and/or a referral to a mental health professional.

The widely reported sense of relief immediately following an abortion (along with few clearly attributable symptoms in the first few years after the procedure) may lead one to believe that abortion does little emotional harm, but this conclusion does not align with the experiences of women who report strong negative emotions resulting from their abortion choice. At A Hope Center, most women seeking our post-abortion services describe disturbing negative emotions as well as self-destructive behaviors related to their abortion experience.

Even though the existence of Post-Abortion Stress has been in contention among professionals studying the issue, a growing body of evidence affirms the existence of PAS in some women. More longitudinal studies are needed, since signs of disturbance often become apparent 5, 10, or even 15 years after the abortion. Research has shown that several factors may increase the risk of Post-Abortion Stress. They include: the woman's age, the abortion circumstances, the stage of pregnancy at which the abortion occurs, and the woman's religious beliefs.

I was only 18. Too young to raise a child and too afraid to tell my parents - afraid they might be angry, hurt, disappointed - afraid they might tell me to keep it, and at the same time, afraid they might tell me to abort it. So I didn’t tell them. I just cried. I knew I had no choice but to get an abortion. I called the clinic and I got the money—somehow. A friend dropped me off in front of the old building and I climbed the crumbling stairs thinking, “This is surreal. How can this be a clinic?” There were a lot of us in the waiting room. It wasn’t memorable except no one was looking at each other and I couldn’t believe what we were all about to do. I stole a look here and there, imagining in my mind what their reasons might be— why we were all in this dingy place together, and why everyone could appear as if this was no big deal—like we were just about to get an ugly mole removed.

My next memory was being in a tiny office with a lady behind an old-fashioned school-teacher type desk. I think she was supposed to be my “counselor.” A few words were exchanged (I don’t remember what was said) and finally she asked for the money. I handed over a wad of bills. It was carefully counted and shoved in the top drawer. This too, paid no resemblance to a respectable medical facility and fear crept in over the rest of my emotions. “What do I expect?” I thought. I felt dirty and ashamed as I fell into a resigned stupor. I was sent to change my clothes and was given a thin cotton gown. Finally, I was sent to the next “holding tank” which was a tiny little room in the basement. From that point I felt there was no escape and no turning back. Several other women were there too, waiting for the “instructor” to begin. All I remember was a plastic model of female anatomy, the woman’s droning voice, and the pitch of fear that was building in me. I wanted to ask something … but I couldn’t … I wouldn’t dare. It seemed like she wasn’t teaching as if she really wanted us to understand the risks. It was a formality, really. I already paid. Would they give me my money back if I asked? The fear and pressure to move forward with the group kept us silent.

I remember having the feeling of “not being seen”—by anyone. Of being treated like an animal, like cattle in line for a branding procedure. Several women just sat there in their cotton gowns, staring at the floor, trying not to think. My body was gripped with a paralyzing fear and a strange cold that wafted through the basement room. It permeated my bones and invaded my soul. Naked and defenseless, I’ll never forget the cold. My name was called and I grabbed the back of my gown as I numbly stood up. They were calling us in every ten to fifteen minutes, and my turn had arrived. I worried that I was too far along, because I was pretty sure I was too far along. Something inside me hoped I was too far along. The physician was a gruff, large man who blankly sat in front of the stirrups. He never said a word to me. The nurses told me what to do, and this man reached inside of me to a depth I had never felt before. He pushed hard with his other hand on top of my abdomen and said “She’s OK.” The next thing I remember is having rods shoved in my cervix. (I found out what this was later; he did the procedure without explanation.) I felt tears fall down my cheeks as he placed the instrument for extraction. I remember thinking I was screaming with nothing coming out. There was intense pain though I am not sure how much was physical and how much was emotional. Then I vaguely remember a nurse saying, “It’ll be over soon.” Some women feel relief at this point—their crisis over. I, however, was traumatized immediately.

They sat me in the “recovery room” which included a few recliners located about the perimeter of the rectangular space. I remember some towel or pad or something to catch the blood and I remember crying uncontrollably, uncontrollably without sound. No one came to comfort and I actually felt scorned by others in the room. A nurse furrowed her brow. A “patient” rolled and narrowed her eyes as if to say, “How dare you cry.” A few minutes passed, my gown was lifted by a passing nurse and I was checked for hemmorage. I looked at what came out of me and was gripped by its foul origin of destruction, a visual reminder of what I had done.

I don’t remember the rest—getting dressed or the drive home. I just remember crawling into bed and crying loudly this time. I cradled my empty womb and begged for forgiveness. I wondered how I would go on.

My traumatic experience left swollen seeds of bitterness in my heart for the clinic, the doctor, the father of the baby, my friend that “helped,” and my parents who never even knew. I was especially angry with my “true love” who had left my life a year prior. If he hadn’t hurt me, none of this would have happened, I reasoned. I hated myself and I didn’t want to live. As it turned out, living wouldn’t be easy. The abortion hadn’t made the problem go away. It only made it worse.

The ugly mole I imagined in the waiting room was successfully removed and no one could see my terrible mistake, but the shame I tried to remove multiplied like a cancerous tumor into depression, grief, and self-destruction. I suffered 18 years before I sought help at A Hope Center…

"It has been said that abortion is a woman's best kept secret. This was true for me. I kept my abortion concealed for years. I needed a safe person with whom to share my secret. I found that person at A Hope Center. She was not shocked or judgmental, but instead responded with compassion and acceptance. Because of her response, I felt safe and was able to get the help I needed to heal my pain, and find forgiveness and total freedom from my abortion experience."
-Anne

"Since my abortion, sadness and guilt were never far from me, so I responded by trying to justify what I had done. I asked God to forgive me, but never really felt forgiven. I ended up marrying the father of that baby, and promptly experienced five years of infertility. I thought a baby would fill that hole in my grieving heart, but after a daughter and then a son, I still felt empty. I had living proof in both my children of the life that I had helped to destroy. Thankfully, I eventually found healing and forgiveness. It's my dream that the hurting women and men in our community will also find this freedom through past-abortion help at A Hope Center.”
-Lisa

"I carried pain from an abortion for over 18 years. My secret had eaten me alive, bit by bit, until everything good in my life was in jeopardy. The hardest part of admitting I needed help was making that first phone call. I had built a wall of self-protection through secrecy, denial, and rationalization. Opening up to a stranger was very frightening, but I shouldn’t have been afraid. The kind person I spoke with at A Hope Center listened with a gentle, caring heart. She understood how I felt. She didn’t judge me. She only wanted to help. After peer counseling at the center, I finally healed the gaping wound abortion left in my life. I have an incredible sense of emotional and spiritual freedom now. I am free to laugh and to cry. I am free to love and to be loved.”
-Kay

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